4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
