Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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