peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
