There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
