If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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