I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
