FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
