he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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