I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
