everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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