Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Randomize
