it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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