Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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