she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
