It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
