I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
