I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
