dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
