Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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