No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
