Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
