I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
