i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
