So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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