Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
