i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
