I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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