I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
