I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
