Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
