can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
