I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
