Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
