all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
