I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
