Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
