I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
