I think I died a long time ago.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
