youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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