i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
