Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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