omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
