Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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