Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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