Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
