my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
