I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
