i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
