Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
