hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
